Attachment is a mistake

Why do you suffer so much when things that you have brought so close to you
are changed or lost? It is because they are too close. When someone damages
your car and you suffer it is because you think you are the car! This is the
deepest mistake. It is the deepest cause of the suffering called anger. You
are not aware of this of course, but if you were to take a moment and see
what you were doing in your own mind, you would see you have brought the
image of the car up on the screen of your mind. You have then gone into that
image of the car in your mind, and you have lost your 'sense of self' in the
image of the car. In effect you identify with the car. So if the car outside
is scratched or damaged in any way, it feels like it is happening to you
and, as a result, you become disturbed. The disturbance is called anger. In
spiritual terms this would be called attachment. Attachment is a mistake we
all make within our consciousness and it creates what is known as ego. From
a spiritual point of view, ego is the root of all suffering, and all
suffering can be found and felt at an emotional level in the various forms
of fear, anger and sadness.


If you don't want to suffer from fear, anger or sadness, don't get attached
to anything or anyone, to any expectation, any item, any particular outcome
(result). That does not mean you shouldn't have possessions. It does not
mean you can't have people around you that you love. Nor does it mean you
don't have expectations, goals, etc. You do. But your relationship with them
changes. Detachment means you are no longer dependent on any of them for
your peace and happiness. You choose to be peaceful and content anyway. So
when possessions are damaged or when people leave or die or when
expectations are not met, all of which are inevitable, you don't become
discontent. You have realized everything in life comes and goes, everything
decays, every dynamic process is unpredictable and uncontrollable, and must
end. You know this is a reality. Every time you get angry it means you are
having an argument with this reality.



Gurbani says that-

ਸਿਰੀਰਾਗੁ ਮਹਲਾ ੩ ॥
सिरीरागु महला ३ ॥
Sirīrāg mėhlā 3.
Siree Raag, Third Mehl:

ਗੁਣਵੰਤੀ ਸਚੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਤ੍ਰਿਸਨਾ ਤਜਿ ਵਿਕਾਰ ॥
गुणवंती सचु पाइआ त्रिसना तजि विकार ॥
Guṇvanṯī sacẖ pā▫i▫ā ṯarisnā ṯaj vikār.

The virtuous obtain Truth; they give up their desires for evil and corruption.


ਗੁਰ ਸਬਦੀ ਮਨੁ ਰੰਗਿਆ ਰਸਨਾ ਪ੍ਰੇਮ ਪਿਆਰਿ ॥
गुर सबदी मनु रंगिआ रसना प्रेम पिआरि ॥
Gur sabḏī man rangi▫ā rasnā parem pi▫ār.

Their minds are imbued with the Word of the Guru's Shabad; the Love of their Beloved is on their tongues.


ਬਿਨੁ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਕਿਨੈ ਨ ਪਾਇਓ ਕਰਿ ਵੇਖਹੁ ਮਨਿ ਵੀਚਾਰਿ ॥
बिनु सतिगुर किनै न पाइओ करि वेखहु मनि वीचारि ॥
Bin saṯgur kinai na pā▫i▫o kar vekẖhu man vīcẖār.

Without the True Guru, no one has found Him; reflect upon this in your mind and see.


ਮਨਮੁਖ ਮੈਲੁ ਨ ਉਤਰੈ ਜਿਚਰੁ ਗੁਰ ਸਬਦਿ ਨ ਕਰੇ ਪਿਆਰੁ ॥੧॥
मनमुख मैलु न उतरै जिचरु गुर सबदि न करे पिआरु ॥१॥
Manmukẖ mail na uṯrai jicẖar gur sabaḏ na kare pi▫ār. ||1||

The filth of the self-willed manmukhs is not washed off; they have no love for the Guru's Shabad. ||1||

How I value myself

Self-esteem comes when I really value myself: When I place value on myself,
then others, too, will value me. When I don't value myself, how can I expect
others to value me? If I continuously put myself down, saying 'I'm no good'
or 'I am not capable', other people who hear this will start believing it.
So what do I do? The key word is 'consciousness'. As I start to become make
my consciousness positive by creating positive thoughts many times in the
day about myself like “I am the most fortunate soul in the universe” or “I
am a victorious soul, I cannot experience failure in any step in life” or “I
am a self sovereign soul, ruler of my sense organs” or “I am a destroyer of
obstacles” or “I am a spiritual rose flower who spreads the fragrance of
divine qualities” or similar thoughts, I become spiritually alert, then I am
in a position to start valuing my life and as I start valuing myself, I
develop self-confidence. The effect of this is that I start valuing others,
understanding that everyone has their own position: not higher or lower,
just different. Each one's uniqueness has its value.*


Gurbani says-

ਨਾਨਕ ਪਰਖੇ ਆਪ ਕਉ ਤਾ ਪਾਰਖੁ ਜਾਣੁ ॥: Nanak parkhe aap kayu ta paarakh jaan: O Nanak, if someone judges himself, only then is he known as a real judge (Sri Guru Granth Sahib 14.
ਇਸੁ ਮਨ ਕਉ ਕੋਈ ਖੋਜਹੁ ਭਾਈ ॥: Is mann kayu koee khojo bhaaee: Let each person examine his own mind, O brother (Sri Guru Granth Sahib 112.

Expectations

*We do realize inside ourselves that if we expect anything of anyone, one
day we will be let down, so we create the emotion of disappointment, turn
that into anger, and turn that back into fear (that it may happen again).
And it’s all going on in our own minds. The only cure for this cycle of
negative thinking is not to expect anything of anyone. But then you say,
“how is this possible, you have to have expectations that someone will call
you up when you expect him/her to do so, someone will do the job that you
have given him/her correctly, that your child will come home safe and
sound...don’t you?” Well do you? Expectations are not compulsory. And once
we see that they lead to pain maybe we can learn to live without them. But
if you cannot be expectation free instantly, a cure for that is as follows -
have expectations, but don’t get attached to your expectations. Another way
of saying this is don’t let your happiness be dependent on having your
expectations met. No one said this was easy, but it is possible. There will
always be someone who does not do the given task, or arrive at the right
time, or even simply call you as you expected. *

Gurbani says-

ਰਾਗੁ ਸੂਹੀ ਅਸਟਪਦੀਆ ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ਘਰੁ ੧
रागु सूही असटपदीआ महला ५ घरु १
Rāg sūhī asatpaḏī▫ā mėhlā 5 gẖar 1
Raag Soohee, Ashtapadees, Fifth Mehl, First House:

ੴ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥
ੴ सतिगुर प्रसादि ॥
Ik▫oaʼnkār saṯgur parsāḏ.
One Universal Creator God. By The Grace Of The True Guru:

ਉਰਝਿ ਰਹਿਓ ਬਿਖਿਆ ਕੈ ਸੰਗਾ ॥
उरझि रहिओ बिखिआ कै संगा ॥
Urajẖ rahi▫o bikẖi▫ā kai sangā.
He is entangled in sinful associations;

ਮਨਹਿ ਬਿਆਪਤ ਅਨਿਕ ਤਰੰਗਾ ॥੧॥
मनहि बिआपत अनिक तरंगा ॥१॥
Manėh bi▫āpaṯ anik ṯarangā. ||1||
his mind is troubled by so very many waves. ||1||

ਮੇਰੇ ਮਨ ਅਗਮ ਅਗੋਚਰ ॥
मेरे मन अगम अगोचर ॥
Mere man agam agocẖar.
The one who is Unapproachable and Incomprehensible; O my mind,

ਕਤ ਪਾਈਐ ਪੂਰਨ ਪਰਮੇਸਰ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
कत पाईऐ पूरन परमेसर ॥१॥ रहाउ ॥
Kaṯ pā▫ī▫ai pūran parmesar. ||1|| rahā▫o.
how can that Perfect Transcendent Lord be found? ||1||Pause||

ਮੋਹ ਮਗਨ ਮਹਿ ਰਹਿਆ ਬਿਆਪੇ ॥
मोह मगन महि रहिआ बिआपे ॥
Moh magan mėh rahi▫ā bi▫āpe.
He remains entangled in the intoxication of worldly love.

ਅਤਿ ਤ੍ਰਿਸਨਾ ਕਬਹੂ ਨਹੀ ਧ੍ਰਾਪੇ ॥੨॥
अति त्रिसना कबहू नही ध्रापे ॥२॥
Aṯ ṯarisnā kabhū nahī ḏẖarāpe. ||2||
His excessive thirst is never quenched. ||2||

ਬਸਇ ਕਰੋਧੁ ਸਰੀਰਿ ਚੰਡਾਰਾ ॥
बसइ करोधु सरीरि चंडारा ॥
Bas▫i karoḏẖ sarīr cẖandārā.
Anger is the outcaste which hides within his body;

ਅਗਿਆਨਿ ਨ ਸੂਝੈ ਮਹਾ ਗੁਬਾਰਾ ॥੩॥
अगिआनि न सूझै महा गुबारा ॥३॥
Agi▫ān na sūjẖai mahā gubārā. ||3||
he is in the utter darkness of ignorance, and he does not understand. ||3||

ਭ੍ਰਮਤ ਬਿਆਪਤ ਜਰੇ ਕਿਵਾਰਾ ॥
भ्रमत बिआपत जरे किवारा ॥
Bẖarmaṯ bi▫āpaṯ jare kivārā.
Afflicted by doubt, the shutters are shut tight;

ਜਾਣੁ ਨ ਪਾਈਐ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਦਰਬਾਰਾ ॥੪॥
जाणु न पाईऐ प्रभ दरबारा ॥४॥
Jāṇ na pā▫ī▫ai parabẖ ḏarbārā. ||4||
he cannot go to God's Court. ||4||


Shri Guru Granth Sahib Page 759(Shri Guru Arjun Dv ji)



*
Exercise: **Who are the two people in your life today from whom you have
high expectations? Do y**ou think it is healthy to have these expectations?
What will you feel if your expectations are not met? What could you do to
make sure that you do not go into disappointment but stay positive when
someone does not fulfill their commitments, which are/were your
expectations?*

Types Of Fears

**
Fear comes daily and often in our lives in the form of stress, worry,
anxiety and in a variety of other wasteful and negative forms. Let us look
at some of the types of fear human beings suffer from:

* The unknown - for example, death or a new situation.

* Loneliness - sometimes people fear loneliness to the extent that they
cannot bear their own company, preferring to lose themselves in superficial
(artificial) relationships and activities.

* The future - as the problems of the world increase, whether political,
economic, environmental or social, this creates, or adds to, personal and
collective fear of the future.

* Illness - sometimes because of fear of disease, people make their sickness
worse than it is, or live in fear of inflicting (getting) something
horrible.

* Other people - usually this is the greatest fear of all: fear of others'
anger, rejection, judgement and violence.

** Failure - some people avoid doing something, or choose not to act,
because their fear of failure weakens initiative and confidence.*

** Authority - this can be fear of a parent, of a boss, even of God. Because
authority has often been misused, in order to control and suppress people,
it is a normal result that fear, in the form of suspicion and mistrust, has
become such a negative force, both personally and collectively, in society.
*
*There are many reasons for these types of fear, but the main ones include:*

** Past experiences, which brought disappointment, insecurity, or wariness
(caution).*


** Lack of faith in one's self and in others.*


** The need for approval, to belong, or to be accepted.*


** The habit of seeing things negatively.*

Gurbani Says-

ਜਿਨਾ ਰਾਸਿ ਨ ਸਚੁ ਹੈ ਕਿਉ ਤਿਨਾ ਸੁਖੁ ਹੋਇ ॥
जिना रासि न सचु है किउ तिना सुखु होइ ॥
Jinā rās na sacẖ hai ki▫o ṯinā sukẖ ho▫e.
Those who do not have the Assets of Truth-how can they find peace?

ਖੋਟੈ ਵਣਜਿ ਵਣੰਜਿਐ ਮਨੁ ਤਨੁ ਖੋਟਾ ਹੋਇ ॥
खोटै वणजि वणंजिऐ मनु तनु खोटा होइ ॥
Kẖotai vaṇaj vaṇanji▫ai man ṯan kẖotā ho▫e.
By dealing their deals of falsehood, their minds and bodies become false.

ਫਾਹੀ ਫਾਥੇ ਮਿਰਗ ਜਿਉ ਦੂਖੁ ਘਣੋ ਨਿਤ ਰੋਇ ॥੨॥
फाही फाथे मिरग जिउ दूखु घणो नित रोइ ॥२॥
Fāhī fāthe mirag ji▫o ḏūkẖ gẖaṇo niṯ ro▫e. ||2||
Like the deer caught in the trap, they suffer in terrible agony; they continually cry out in pain. ||2||

ਖੋਟੇ ਪੋਤੈ ਨਾ ਪਵਹਿ ਤਿਨ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਰ ਦਰਸੁ ਨ ਹੋਇ ॥
खोटे पोतै ना पवहि तिन हरि गुर दरसु न होइ ॥
Kẖote poṯai nā pavėh ṯin har gur ḏaras na ho▫e.
The counterfeit coins are not put into the Treasury; they do not obtain the Blessed Vision of the Lord-Guru.

ਖੋਟੇ ਜਾਤਿ ਨ ਪਤਿ ਹੈ ਖੋਟਿ ਨ ਸੀਝਸਿ ਕੋਇ ॥
खोटे जाति न पति है खोटि न सीझसि कोइ ॥
Kẖote jāṯ na paṯ hai kẖot na sījẖas ko▫e.
The false ones have no social status or honor. No one succeeds through falsehood.

ਖੋਟੇ ਖੋਟੁ ਕਮਾਵਣਾ ਆਇ ਗਇਆ ਪਤਿ ਖੋਇ ॥੩॥
खोटे खोटु कमावणा आइ गइआ पति खोइ ॥३॥
Kẖote kẖot kamāvaṇā ā▫e ga▫i▫ā paṯ kẖo▫e. ||3||
Practicing falsehood again and again, people come and go in reincarnation, and forfeit their honor. ||3||

ਨਾਨਕ ਮਨੁ ਸਮਝਾਈਐ ਗੁਰ ਕੈ ਸਬਦਿ ਸਾਲਾਹ ॥
नानक मनु समझाईऐ गुर कै सबदि सालाह ॥
Nānak man samjā▫ī▫ai gur kai sabaḏ sālāh.
O Nanak, instruct your mind through the Word of the Guru's Shabad, and praise the Lord.

ਰਾਮ ਨਾਮ ਰੰਗਿ ਰਤਿਆ ਭਾਰੁ ਨ ਭਰਮੁ ਤਿਨਾਹ ॥
राम नाम रंगि रतिआ भारु न भरमु तिनाह ॥
Rām nām rang raṯi▫ā bẖār na bẖaram ṯināh.
Those who are imbued with the love of the Name of the Lord are not loaded down by doubt.

ਹਰਿ ਜਪਿ ਲਾਹਾ ਅਗਲਾ ਨਿਰਭਉ ਹਰਿ ਮਨ ਮਾਹ ॥੪॥੨੩॥
हरि जपि लाहा अगला निरभउ हरि मन माह ॥४॥२३॥
Har jap lāhā aglā nirbẖa▫o har man māh. ||4||23||
Those who chant the Name of the Lord earn great profits; the Fearless Lord abides within their minds. ||4||23||

Shri Guru Granth Saheb page no 21 (Shri Guru Nanak dev ji)

Self Empowerment

*
*
*


Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Now make up a series of
questions, which will judge how effectively you are using these strengths to
improve your personal and professional life, and what negative effects are
your weaknesses (shortcomings) having on the same. These are some of the
questions that you can ask yourself at the end of each week to monitor your
self-progress:


e.g. Which strengths if acquired would help me improve my worth (value) at
the workplace? Is any weakness of mine proving to be an obstacle (barrier)
in maintaining a healthy relationship with my family? Am I using my
strengths in empowering (strengthening) others? Does any weakness exist
inside me, which if removed would improve my level of contentment
(satisfaction) and lead to greater peace of mind?


Note down three main strengths and three important roles that you play in
your life. Now check if your strengths properly match the roles. If they do
not match, think if there is a new personality characteristic you need to
develop. If a particular role is self-selected, if it does not match your
strengths, is it a good role for you to be playing?

Self Esteem

Self-esteem and self-respect are closely connected. One is an integral part
of the other. One is not possible without the other. In relationships, when
other people are throwing all their negative energy at us, if we can
maintain our own self-respect we will be able to remain stable, positive and
unaffected. In fact, if our self -respect is strong, we will not feel the
need to return the negative energy, which they are sending us, but will be
able to return understanding and compassion (sympathy) instead. To regain,
build and strengthen our self-respect, we need to practice giving respect to
others – no matter what they are like, or what they do. What we rarely
realise is that in the process of respecting another, we are first of all
respecting ourself.


What does showing respect look like? (imagine different ways in which you
can convey respect to another person) - What do you think is the biggest
inner barrier to developing the ability to give respect to others?


Whom could you consciously choose to respect more today than you have up to
now? (remember that to be respectful you will need to be non-judgmental)
** *
*---------*

No one can insult you

*"I was so deeply insulted and hurt by what you said"
*


**


*No you weren't! You hurt yourself. You insulted yourself. It’s not what
others say to you that makes you feel what you feel; it’s what you do with
what others say to you in your mind that results in you creating the feeling
that you feeI! E.g. if you call me irresponsible that's your perception
(understanding) of me but it’s not my perception (understanding) of me. I
know I am not irresponsible. I can only conclude that either you don't know
me very well, or you have not yet learned to separate the person from their
behaviour, or you yourself are thinking and feeling negative for some reason
and that’s why you are perceiving (understanding) me as irresponsible.
Finally, no one can insult you, and no one 'makes' you feel anything.*