Expectations

*We do realize inside ourselves that if we expect anything of anyone, one
day we will be let down, so we create the emotion of disappointment, turn
that into anger, and turn that back into fear (that it may happen again).
And it’s all going on in our own minds. The only cure for this cycle of
negative thinking is not to expect anything of anyone. But then you say,
“how is this possible, you have to have expectations that someone will call
you up when you expect him/her to do so, someone will do the job that you
have given him/her correctly, that your child will come home safe and
sound...don’t you?” Well do you? Expectations are not compulsory. And once
we see that they lead to pain maybe we can learn to live without them. But
if you cannot be expectation free instantly, a cure for that is as follows -
have expectations, but don’t get attached to your expectations. Another way
of saying this is don’t let your happiness be dependent on having your
expectations met. No one said this was easy, but it is possible. There will
always be someone who does not do the given task, or arrive at the right
time, or even simply call you as you expected. *

Gurbani says-

ਰਾਗੁ ਸੂਹੀ ਅਸਟਪਦੀਆ ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ਘਰੁ ੧
रागु सूही असटपदीआ महला ५ घरु १
Rāg sūhī asatpaḏī▫ā mėhlā 5 gẖar 1
Raag Soohee, Ashtapadees, Fifth Mehl, First House:

ੴ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥
ੴ सतिगुर प्रसादि ॥
Ik▫oaʼnkār saṯgur parsāḏ.
One Universal Creator God. By The Grace Of The True Guru:

ਉਰਝਿ ਰਹਿਓ ਬਿਖਿਆ ਕੈ ਸੰਗਾ ॥
उरझि रहिओ बिखिआ कै संगा ॥
Urajẖ rahi▫o bikẖi▫ā kai sangā.
He is entangled in sinful associations;

ਮਨਹਿ ਬਿਆਪਤ ਅਨਿਕ ਤਰੰਗਾ ॥੧॥
मनहि बिआपत अनिक तरंगा ॥१॥
Manėh bi▫āpaṯ anik ṯarangā. ||1||
his mind is troubled by so very many waves. ||1||

ਮੇਰੇ ਮਨ ਅਗਮ ਅਗੋਚਰ ॥
मेरे मन अगम अगोचर ॥
Mere man agam agocẖar.
The one who is Unapproachable and Incomprehensible; O my mind,

ਕਤ ਪਾਈਐ ਪੂਰਨ ਪਰਮੇਸਰ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
कत पाईऐ पूरन परमेसर ॥१॥ रहाउ ॥
Kaṯ pā▫ī▫ai pūran parmesar. ||1|| rahā▫o.
how can that Perfect Transcendent Lord be found? ||1||Pause||

ਮੋਹ ਮਗਨ ਮਹਿ ਰਹਿਆ ਬਿਆਪੇ ॥
मोह मगन महि रहिआ बिआपे ॥
Moh magan mėh rahi▫ā bi▫āpe.
He remains entangled in the intoxication of worldly love.

ਅਤਿ ਤ੍ਰਿਸਨਾ ਕਬਹੂ ਨਹੀ ਧ੍ਰਾਪੇ ॥੨॥
अति त्रिसना कबहू नही ध्रापे ॥२॥
Aṯ ṯarisnā kabhū nahī ḏẖarāpe. ||2||
His excessive thirst is never quenched. ||2||

ਬਸਇ ਕਰੋਧੁ ਸਰੀਰਿ ਚੰਡਾਰਾ ॥
बसइ करोधु सरीरि चंडारा ॥
Bas▫i karoḏẖ sarīr cẖandārā.
Anger is the outcaste which hides within his body;

ਅਗਿਆਨਿ ਨ ਸੂਝੈ ਮਹਾ ਗੁਬਾਰਾ ॥੩॥
अगिआनि न सूझै महा गुबारा ॥३॥
Agi▫ān na sūjẖai mahā gubārā. ||3||
he is in the utter darkness of ignorance, and he does not understand. ||3||

ਭ੍ਰਮਤ ਬਿਆਪਤ ਜਰੇ ਕਿਵਾਰਾ ॥
भ्रमत बिआपत जरे किवारा ॥
Bẖarmaṯ bi▫āpaṯ jare kivārā.
Afflicted by doubt, the shutters are shut tight;

ਜਾਣੁ ਨ ਪਾਈਐ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਦਰਬਾਰਾ ॥੪॥
जाणु न पाईऐ प्रभ दरबारा ॥४॥
Jāṇ na pā▫ī▫ai parabẖ ḏarbārā. ||4||
he cannot go to God's Court. ||4||


Shri Guru Granth Sahib Page 759(Shri Guru Arjun Dv ji)



*
Exercise: **Who are the two people in your life today from whom you have
high expectations? Do y**ou think it is healthy to have these expectations?
What will you feel if your expectations are not met? What could you do to
make sure that you do not go into disappointment but stay positive when
someone does not fulfill their commitments, which are/were your
expectations?*

Types Of Fears

**
Fear comes daily and often in our lives in the form of stress, worry,
anxiety and in a variety of other wasteful and negative forms. Let us look
at some of the types of fear human beings suffer from:

* The unknown - for example, death or a new situation.

* Loneliness - sometimes people fear loneliness to the extent that they
cannot bear their own company, preferring to lose themselves in superficial
(artificial) relationships and activities.

* The future - as the problems of the world increase, whether political,
economic, environmental or social, this creates, or adds to, personal and
collective fear of the future.

* Illness - sometimes because of fear of disease, people make their sickness
worse than it is, or live in fear of inflicting (getting) something
horrible.

* Other people - usually this is the greatest fear of all: fear of others'
anger, rejection, judgement and violence.

** Failure - some people avoid doing something, or choose not to act,
because their fear of failure weakens initiative and confidence.*

** Authority - this can be fear of a parent, of a boss, even of God. Because
authority has often been misused, in order to control and suppress people,
it is a normal result that fear, in the form of suspicion and mistrust, has
become such a negative force, both personally and collectively, in society.
*
*There are many reasons for these types of fear, but the main ones include:*

** Past experiences, which brought disappointment, insecurity, or wariness
(caution).*


** Lack of faith in one's self and in others.*


** The need for approval, to belong, or to be accepted.*


** The habit of seeing things negatively.*

Gurbani Says-

ਜਿਨਾ ਰਾਸਿ ਨ ਸਚੁ ਹੈ ਕਿਉ ਤਿਨਾ ਸੁਖੁ ਹੋਇ ॥
जिना रासि न सचु है किउ तिना सुखु होइ ॥
Jinā rās na sacẖ hai ki▫o ṯinā sukẖ ho▫e.
Those who do not have the Assets of Truth-how can they find peace?

ਖੋਟੈ ਵਣਜਿ ਵਣੰਜਿਐ ਮਨੁ ਤਨੁ ਖੋਟਾ ਹੋਇ ॥
खोटै वणजि वणंजिऐ मनु तनु खोटा होइ ॥
Kẖotai vaṇaj vaṇanji▫ai man ṯan kẖotā ho▫e.
By dealing their deals of falsehood, their minds and bodies become false.

ਫਾਹੀ ਫਾਥੇ ਮਿਰਗ ਜਿਉ ਦੂਖੁ ਘਣੋ ਨਿਤ ਰੋਇ ॥੨॥
फाही फाथे मिरग जिउ दूखु घणो नित रोइ ॥२॥
Fāhī fāthe mirag ji▫o ḏūkẖ gẖaṇo niṯ ro▫e. ||2||
Like the deer caught in the trap, they suffer in terrible agony; they continually cry out in pain. ||2||

ਖੋਟੇ ਪੋਤੈ ਨਾ ਪਵਹਿ ਤਿਨ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਰ ਦਰਸੁ ਨ ਹੋਇ ॥
खोटे पोतै ना पवहि तिन हरि गुर दरसु न होइ ॥
Kẖote poṯai nā pavėh ṯin har gur ḏaras na ho▫e.
The counterfeit coins are not put into the Treasury; they do not obtain the Blessed Vision of the Lord-Guru.

ਖੋਟੇ ਜਾਤਿ ਨ ਪਤਿ ਹੈ ਖੋਟਿ ਨ ਸੀਝਸਿ ਕੋਇ ॥
खोटे जाति न पति है खोटि न सीझसि कोइ ॥
Kẖote jāṯ na paṯ hai kẖot na sījẖas ko▫e.
The false ones have no social status or honor. No one succeeds through falsehood.

ਖੋਟੇ ਖੋਟੁ ਕਮਾਵਣਾ ਆਇ ਗਇਆ ਪਤਿ ਖੋਇ ॥੩॥
खोटे खोटु कमावणा आइ गइआ पति खोइ ॥३॥
Kẖote kẖot kamāvaṇā ā▫e ga▫i▫ā paṯ kẖo▫e. ||3||
Practicing falsehood again and again, people come and go in reincarnation, and forfeit their honor. ||3||

ਨਾਨਕ ਮਨੁ ਸਮਝਾਈਐ ਗੁਰ ਕੈ ਸਬਦਿ ਸਾਲਾਹ ॥
नानक मनु समझाईऐ गुर कै सबदि सालाह ॥
Nānak man samjā▫ī▫ai gur kai sabaḏ sālāh.
O Nanak, instruct your mind through the Word of the Guru's Shabad, and praise the Lord.

ਰਾਮ ਨਾਮ ਰੰਗਿ ਰਤਿਆ ਭਾਰੁ ਨ ਭਰਮੁ ਤਿਨਾਹ ॥
राम नाम रंगि रतिआ भारु न भरमु तिनाह ॥
Rām nām rang raṯi▫ā bẖār na bẖaram ṯināh.
Those who are imbued with the love of the Name of the Lord are not loaded down by doubt.

ਹਰਿ ਜਪਿ ਲਾਹਾ ਅਗਲਾ ਨਿਰਭਉ ਹਰਿ ਮਨ ਮਾਹ ॥੪॥੨੩॥
हरि जपि लाहा अगला निरभउ हरि मन माह ॥४॥२३॥
Har jap lāhā aglā nirbẖa▫o har man māh. ||4||23||
Those who chant the Name of the Lord earn great profits; the Fearless Lord abides within their minds. ||4||23||

Shri Guru Granth Saheb page no 21 (Shri Guru Nanak dev ji)

Self Empowerment

*
*
*


Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Now make up a series of
questions, which will judge how effectively you are using these strengths to
improve your personal and professional life, and what negative effects are
your weaknesses (shortcomings) having on the same. These are some of the
questions that you can ask yourself at the end of each week to monitor your
self-progress:


e.g. Which strengths if acquired would help me improve my worth (value) at
the workplace? Is any weakness of mine proving to be an obstacle (barrier)
in maintaining a healthy relationship with my family? Am I using my
strengths in empowering (strengthening) others? Does any weakness exist
inside me, which if removed would improve my level of contentment
(satisfaction) and lead to greater peace of mind?


Note down three main strengths and three important roles that you play in
your life. Now check if your strengths properly match the roles. If they do
not match, think if there is a new personality characteristic you need to
develop. If a particular role is self-selected, if it does not match your
strengths, is it a good role for you to be playing?

Self Esteem

Self-esteem and self-respect are closely connected. One is an integral part
of the other. One is not possible without the other. In relationships, when
other people are throwing all their negative energy at us, if we can
maintain our own self-respect we will be able to remain stable, positive and
unaffected. In fact, if our self -respect is strong, we will not feel the
need to return the negative energy, which they are sending us, but will be
able to return understanding and compassion (sympathy) instead. To regain,
build and strengthen our self-respect, we need to practice giving respect to
others – no matter what they are like, or what they do. What we rarely
realise is that in the process of respecting another, we are first of all
respecting ourself.


What does showing respect look like? (imagine different ways in which you
can convey respect to another person) - What do you think is the biggest
inner barrier to developing the ability to give respect to others?


Whom could you consciously choose to respect more today than you have up to
now? (remember that to be respectful you will need to be non-judgmental)
** *
*---------*

No one can insult you

*"I was so deeply insulted and hurt by what you said"
*


**


*No you weren't! You hurt yourself. You insulted yourself. It’s not what
others say to you that makes you feel what you feel; it’s what you do with
what others say to you in your mind that results in you creating the feeling
that you feeI! E.g. if you call me irresponsible that's your perception
(understanding) of me but it’s not my perception (understanding) of me. I
know I am not irresponsible. I can only conclude that either you don't know
me very well, or you have not yet learned to separate the person from their
behaviour, or you yourself are thinking and feeling negative for some reason
and that’s why you are perceiving (understanding) me as irresponsible.
Finally, no one can insult you, and no one 'makes' you feel anything.*

Self Management

It is only in our relationships that we can truly know ourselves. We are a
mirror for each other. What we give to others at the level of our thoughts,
feelings and attitudes is what we give to ourselves, and will finally come
back from others. Our relationships are the real workshop, classroom,
learning laboratory of our life. Relationship is not simply getting along
with others, it is about understanding, building, nourishing and caring.
Every interaction carries a lesson. Take one relationship, look at it,
explore it and ask yourself what does it tell you about yourself and your
life so far. Let your relationships reveal you to yourself. As you do you
will naturally learn what makes relationships work, or not work, as the case
may be! And the more you get to know yourself in the mirror of your
relationships the more easily you will be able to understand others.


Who is one person who is close to you and one person who is not so close? Now
reflect (think) on each relationship and write down what each of these
people seems to bring out in you when you are with them. What part of your
self would you want to see more developed in each of these relationships
e.g. humour, patience, humility (egolessness) etc.? What will you do today
to develop these aspects of your personality?